Climbing Back to Calm: A Story About the Body's Three States

If you have ever watched a child freeze during a spelling bee, seen a teen shut down after a tough day, or felt your own heart race during a difficult conversation, you have already witnessed the quiet power of the nervous system at work. Polyvagal Theory gives us a simple, compassionate way to understand these moments, and more importantly, to respond to them with care. 

To bring this to life, let's start with a story.

Nine-year-old Polly loved climbing the oak tree in her backyard. Her dad called it "the ladder tree" because its branches stretched upward like rungs. One warm afternoon, Polly climbed higher than she ever had before. She felt brave, steady, and full of joy.

But then a squirrel darted past her face.

Startle, Polly slipped. She caught herself, but her heart pounded. Her breath grew fast. She clung to the branch, frozen.

Her dad stepped outside just in time to see her gripping the tree.

"Polly," he called gently, "I am right here."

Hering his voice, Polly felt her breath slow. Her muscles softened. She climbed down carefully and ran into his arms.

Later that night, Polly's dad drew three ladders on a piece of paper.

"This," he said, pointing to the tallest ladder, "is how you felt when you were climbing happily. Safe. Curious. Brave."

He pointed to the middle ladder. "This is how you felt when the squirrel surprised you. Alert. Scared. Ready to act."

Then he pointed to the smallest ladder. "And this one is how you felt when you froze. Stuck. Overwhelmed."

Polly nodded. "But I climbed back up."

"You did," he said. "Because your body heard my voice and remembered you weren't alone."

Polyvagal Theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, helps us understand the "three ladders" inside our nervous system. Three states we move through depending on how safe or threatened we feel.

• The Top Ladder: Safety and Connection (Ventral Vagal State)
  • This is where we feel:
    • Calm
    • Curious
    • Social
    • Open to learning
    • Emotionally steady
  • It is the state where kids play, adults problem-solve, and families connect.
• The Middle Ladder: Fight-or-Flight (Sympathetic State)
  • How we feel:
    • Anxious
    • Irritable
    • Restless
    • Ready to run or defend
  • This state isn't "bad." It is productive. It helps us respond to challenges.
• The Bottom Ladder: Shutdown (Dorsal Vagal State)
  • This is the "freeze" state:
    • Numb
    • Overwhelmed
    • Disconnected
    • Exhausted
  • It is the body's way of saying, "This is too much."

Polyvagal Theory reminds us that these states are not choices, they are biological responses. And we move between them all the time.

Our nervous system constantly scans the world for cues of:

• Safety (a warm smile, a gentle tone, a familiar routine)
• Danger (yelling, chaos, sudden changes)
• Life threat (overwhelm, trauma, intense stress)

This scanning happens automatically. Faster than thought.

When the body senses safety, we climb the ladder. When it senses danger, we move down. When is senses too much danger, we drop to the bottom.

Understanding this helps us respond to ourselves and others with more compassion.

Polyvagal Theory Helps People of All Ages:

• For Children
  • Helps them understand big feelings
  • Normalizes fear, overwhelm, and shutdown
  • Builds emotional vocabulary
  • Encourages co-regulation with caregivers
• For Teens
  • Supports identity development
  • Helps them understand stress responses
  • Reduces shame around anxiety or withdrawal
  • Encourages healthy coping strategies
• For Adults
  • Improves communication
  • Strengthens relationships
  • Helps manage stress, burnout, and conflict
  • Supports trauma healing
• For Older Adults
  • Encourages connection and community
  • Helps navigate life transitions
  • Supports emotional resilience

Polyvagal Theory is universal because every nervous system, from toddlers to grandparents, speaks the same biological language.

How Can I Use This?

• Notice Your Ladder
  • Ask yourself:
    • Am I calm and connected?
    • Am I anxious or activated?
    • Am I shutting down?
  • Naming the state helps shift it.
• Use the Power of Connection
  • Safety grows through:
    • Gentle voices
    • Eye contact
    • Warm facial expressions
    • Predictable routines
    • Supportive relationships
  • We climb the ladder faster when we are not climbing alone.
• Practice Regulation Skills
  • All ages benefit from:
    • Deep breathing 
    • Grounding exercises
    • Movement
    • Music
    • Nature
    • Mindfulness
    • Play
  • These help the nervous system return to safety.
• Offer Compassion-to Yourself and Others
  • If someone is "shutting down" or "acting out," they're not being difficult. Their nervous system is doing its best to protect them. Compassion is a ladder too.

Just like Polly in the oak tree, we all slip sometimes.

We all freeze.

We all climb.

We all need a steady voice calling up to us, reminding us we are not alone.

Polyvagal Theory doesn't just explain how the nervous system works, it teaches us how to be gentler with ourselves and each other. It reminds us that safety is not a luxury. It is a foundation. And when we feel safe, we grow.